Okay to Forget

Sometimes its hard to even comprehend what goes through our minds. Do you even have one of those moments where you think of something but soon after completely forget your thought?

Ever wonder why that happens? Why you just forget? Maybe you weren't ready for it.

One these days you will remember and when that day arrives, you will appreciate and understand what it meant more than you would have the first time that thought of it.

Sometimes, I lay awake at night, simply starring into the darkness, thinking all of these amazing things that I know when I awake in the morning I wont remember. But still I do it, because at that moment when these great things come to me, it makes me feel wonderful, amazing. And because I know sometimes in the future I will need those great things to help guide my hand in the right directions.

Alot of people say that if you forget alot, that you have a bad memory and I suppose in some cases that may be true. But I also think that it's because no one thinks of the reason I thought of, that sometimes things are forgotten for a reason.

Sometimes its because you need to remember it later, sometimes its because that memory was too tragic, sometimes because you really just forgot.

Its okay for you to forget sometimes, as long as you don't forget to remember when the times is right.

Day 3: The Perfect First Date

I can't really say what the perfect first date would be. As long as I have fun on the date, it really doesn't matter what we do. Some things that we could do though we be see a movie, not a romantic one though, cause that would just be kinda stupid and obvious. More along the lines of a comedy, something to lighten the mood and make us both laugh and have fun. If its the summer then going to the beach would be a good idea, nice cool water and something to snack on. Regardless of what we do though, we should be able to talk easily to one another and the convo shouldn't get too serious. Keeping it more friendly but still a little romantic on the first day is always the best thing that someone can do. Don't jump right into making out and hanging onto each other, take it slow the first few days, maybe a small polite kiss at the end of the date. Simply is always best in the beginning.

Day 2: Something I Ate Today

So this morning before school I went on over to BK and got myself a Breakfast Muffin Sandwich. It was really good and is normally one of the only things I would eat from there for breakfast. I don't really eat breakfast all that much anyways, but today there was HSPE testing for all of the sophomores until 10 and I had nothing to do until then. Right now its still only 9 so I'm just sitting in the library at school waiting for school to start. Luckily there is only 3 hours of school today once it starts so it'll be an easy day for me.

Day 1: Picture of Self

So I noticed that there aren't many things on here that tells you much about me. Sure, your know how I complain about my family, how I feel about them and some of my friends, but there isn't much there that tells you who I am. I don't want anyone to assume who I am just by what I've said about others so far, so I've decided to do this 30 Day Challenge. I'll be posting pictures and descriptions for 30 days, maybe not consecutive days but I'll get them up eventually.

This first day is a picture of myself and a description of how my day was.

This picture was taken on Monday, March 7, 2011.

For some stupid reason I cannot for the life of me remember where this picture was taken, but I do remember that this was an awesome day.

This turned out to be a really good day, me and E rolled all day, starting at school during advisory and until we went to bed that night.  It was a very adventurous day to say the least. Throughout the day we hung out with various people our friend T who we had bought the rolls from stayed with us for most of the day. With my friend A who took us to the bank during 5 period and hung out with us for that period until I met up with my mom to get food to take back to my house. After that we met with my bf M and went and smoked a couple bowls in Pine Ridge and went to Esperance and chilled there for a little. M left after that and me, E and T went to Veterns park to met up with her friends and then go to this guys house to chill. There we smoked some more and I got to smoke out for a pool noodle for the first time. It was interesting. Around 630-7ish me and E left T there and went back to my house where we watched tv for a little before her dad came and picked her up. That was an amazing day, and I hope that we have more like it in the future sometime.

Imaginary Friend

Ever feel as though no one saw you, no one understands you, no one really cares?
Ever feel like you don't care about what others think of you, that it doesn't matter what they say?
Ever feel that even though know one knows who you really are that you were perfectly content with that fact?

I feel like that often, as I sit in class each day and I contently do my work by myself, with little commentary from those that are my peers and friends or when I sit in my room each day when I get home. Its as though I was everyones imaginary friend, perfectly happy to be left alone most of the time. Silent as always until one of them talks to me on the few occasions that they do throughout the day.

Do I feel ignored? Sometimes,yes, I wish that it was more then it is and that I would have a deeper connection with the people that I care so much for.

Am I sad that they do this to me? Truthfully, I don't think that I could be if I wanted too.

This little act we play as friend and imaginary friend is perfect for someone like me, who loves to be alone and loves to be with people at the same time. It means that I can always be around the people I care about without them having to worry about me. It gives me the space and privacy that I love to have, and the right amount of interaction with people to keep me from losing my mind.

I am the strong silent type, the one that will always be there in the end no matter what happens, the one that no matter who else leaves because they can't handle whats doing on will push forward through all the confusion and stress to help the ones I care about in their times of weakness and sadness.

My friends, most of them, are the type to drift here and there and not know what they are doing half of the time and don't really understand everything that goes on around them. Sometimes they need someone to tell them whats going on so that they don't get lost in the world they live in.

That is what I'm for I suppose. I'm the voice of reason among us, the one to know most of whats going on so that at least someone isn't confused. Just like an imaginary friend, I am the one they turn to when know one else has the answer that they are looking for or simply when they need someone to talk to that will never tell their secrets to anyone.

I'm happy to be there for my friends, even if I am only imaginary to them.

Demented Family Part 5: Problems With Mother

What is there to tell now?

Dear Mother you seem to surprise me more and more these days and just when I thought everything was finally going to be okay for once. Now you must be thinking, "What could she have done now?"

Well, it started about a month and a half ago. My mom randomly disappeared from work. She was dropped off by a friend at noon and by 1 she was no where to be found. We called her work and they said she wasn't there. We called her and she never answered. I went into her work at 3 and asked her co-workers if they had seen her and said she left at 1 for lunch.

We she finally answered her phone hours later, it was 9pm and she was drunk. She said that she was on her way home but it was by stepdad she was on the phone with and he was walking to the store at the time and he found her just sitting on the curb in front of the store.

When questioned about where she had been and what she had been doing, her answer was the stupidest thing in the world. She said that she had left work to go talk to this gay guy that worked at the Disney store, she talked to him about a new store opening in California that she was interested in going to work at. She said that afterwards she had to walk home because she had forgotten to bring money for the bus.

Of course we didn't believe her. Why would she walk 15 miles home when she could just call someone at home to come and pick her up? There are 4 people here with cars that could have gone and picked her up. We asked her this and she had said that she wanted to get some fresh air anyways and that she enjoyed walking. Even if that was true, it doesn't take 7 hours to walk 15 miles. Again, we said this to her, and she change the story again and said that she had stopped in a bunch of parks on the way here to rest.

We probably could have accepted this story, for all its craziness and everything, if she had actaully picked up her phone during all that time. She told us that she didn't hear it going off and that during all that time that she had been walking from park to park in order to get home, that she had not once looked at her phone.

Remember, during all this time that we were questioning her, that she was drunk, later that night, her and my stepfather got into a fight because we all thought that she might have been with another guy. She didn't like that we thought that and the two of them got into a big fight.

The next day my mother left and went ot my sister S place. What no one but me and my sisters know is that some of the time that she wasn't here, at home, she was at W as well.

My mom and  my stepdad didn't talk for a while and she came back home after being away for 2 weeks. They tried to fix things between the two of them, and they did for a while there. Then the day before Halloween my mom got really drunk and they got into an arguement again. It was really bad, it woke up the whole house and everyone was angry.

The next day, my mom left again, my sister came here and picked her up and brought her to her house. Apparently, that night, after the fight, they had gone to bed and my stepdad woke up laying in my mothers piss. He asker her why she hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom and she said that she hadn't wanted to get up so she just pied there. That made them fight more and thats what made my mother leave that day.

You think thats it, well it mostly is. They tried to fix it up again after that, about 2 weeks after that last fight, but my mom didn't even stay the night once before they fought agian and she left.

Maybe one day my mother will figure out whats wrong with her like the rest of us already have and maybe one day she'll finally fix her problems but truth be told, if that day every does come by, it will be a long ways away.

Demented Family Part 4: Love From Father

Even though alot of the time my father makes me feel as though I'm worthless and nothing, whenever I express that that's how I am feeling, he trys to make me feel better.

Just the other day I made a post on facebook, this is what it said;

"Sometimes I feel lost, and it just makes me want to walk away from everything in my life but when you walk away when lost, you just end up making things worse. So what should I do? Just sit here and wait for someone to give me a map? What if I don't like where that map leads? Will I forever be lost in this world where I feel like I don't belong? I'm just wishing for a sign that says I'm going in the right direction.."

My ex-boyfriend comment on this, we broke up in June because he was being an asshole and told me to decide between him and my best friend. And though he didn't really say anything rude, though I think it was his way of saying I was wrong for picking my best friend instead of him, what he said made me feel worse considering we haven't talked at all since then and then he responds to the one thing that shows I'm feeling depressed. He said this;

"The wrong direction is the one full of regrets, miss chances, and "could of been" moments, when you see someone out in a field, go talk to them. When you see a rusty door, enter it. Take the hidden path and feel life with adventure."

My dad of course, respond to this, at first just to the post itself, and what he said made me feel a little better considering all the times that he made me feel so bad about myself. He said;

"While it seems you are lost, I want you to know you are only at a crossroads of life. I will guess you feel lost because of all the choices and options available to you along with directions to go. The first steps are always filled with uncertainty. I was nervous at first, like everyone is. Know that this feeling will fade in time. The world awaits you and what ever direction you want to go. Some roads will be obvious choices, others will be hidden from view. I say do the obvious roads and check out some of the hiddens from time to time, ya never know what you'll find. Never regret your past, its what made you what you are today, and tomorrow is brand new, open for new things."

This is, in a small sort of way, saying what he had always told me but at the same time if sounds completely different. I don't know, maybe i've grown up a little, maybe I was never really listening to him in the first place. I thought this was all he had to say to me, like you probably did as well after reading, but then he posted more, and here it is;

"The most important thing, FIND YOUR OWN PATH, while other peoples paths may seem interesting, that doesn't mean you will ultimately benefit from it or like it. Sometimes the path least traveled is pretty damn good, sometimes it really sucks ass. Realize life will smack you around from time to time whether you like it or not, so know its coming and be prep'd for it the best ya can. You never know when you'll be lucky and gifted to hang out with famous people, like you already have. Don't feel overwhelmed by the world it's fun. When you come to New York, we'll open your eyes wide for a couple weeks. When you go back to Seattle, it will seem simple and easy."

These words didn't really sound like anything I've ever heard from him before. With him, it was usually always just, "Get a job, do good in school, put work before friends, you can make new friends later." But I'm only now realizing that my father and I are more a like then I once believe us to be. He, just like me, aren't the best at giving advice to people face to face. Yes, we could do it, but it will just cover the basics of what we could really be telling you. We are both very mental people who like to think about what we say before we talk. So person to person, what we say may not be as good as what you will get if you were to send us a message asking us for help.

Now, what my dad says doesn't end there, and this is the part I love my father most for saying. Knowing that my ex had responded to this and will get updates whenever his comments as well, here is what my dad said next;

"One more thing, NEVER let someone push you around in life, especially some stupid boy who is thinking with his dick and trying to control you. There is something to be said about a gal who is trully in control of her own life. Be the master of your own universe."

Reading this just made my dad complete, depression gone and me smiling at my fathers word, though I still feel a little lost and lonely, but I can deal with it better then I could have if still depressed. And for the last comment that I got on this, thought not from my ex or my father just a carrying friend. She said;

"Just don't be a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. Paddle somewhere and if you don't like it paddle somewhere else (^_^) You will only know if you try."

Just the image of someone sitting in a paddle boat in the middle of the ocean trying to paddle somewhere had me cracking up. So smile on my face and depression gone, I'm ready for the paths that I will pass and the decisions I will have to make when I go down one of them.