Demented Family Part 4: Love From Father

Even though alot of the time my father makes me feel as though I'm worthless and nothing, whenever I express that that's how I am feeling, he trys to make me feel better.

Just the other day I made a post on facebook, this is what it said;

"Sometimes I feel lost, and it just makes me want to walk away from everything in my life but when you walk away when lost, you just end up making things worse. So what should I do? Just sit here and wait for someone to give me a map? What if I don't like where that map leads? Will I forever be lost in this world where I feel like I don't belong? I'm just wishing for a sign that says I'm going in the right direction.."

My ex-boyfriend comment on this, we broke up in June because he was being an asshole and told me to decide between him and my best friend. And though he didn't really say anything rude, though I think it was his way of saying I was wrong for picking my best friend instead of him, what he said made me feel worse considering we haven't talked at all since then and then he responds to the one thing that shows I'm feeling depressed. He said this;

"The wrong direction is the one full of regrets, miss chances, and "could of been" moments, when you see someone out in a field, go talk to them. When you see a rusty door, enter it. Take the hidden path and feel life with adventure."

My dad of course, respond to this, at first just to the post itself, and what he said made me feel a little better considering all the times that he made me feel so bad about myself. He said;

"While it seems you are lost, I want you to know you are only at a crossroads of life. I will guess you feel lost because of all the choices and options available to you along with directions to go. The first steps are always filled with uncertainty. I was nervous at first, like everyone is. Know that this feeling will fade in time. The world awaits you and what ever direction you want to go. Some roads will be obvious choices, others will be hidden from view. I say do the obvious roads and check out some of the hiddens from time to time, ya never know what you'll find. Never regret your past, its what made you what you are today, and tomorrow is brand new, open for new things."

This is, in a small sort of way, saying what he had always told me but at the same time if sounds completely different. I don't know, maybe i've grown up a little, maybe I was never really listening to him in the first place. I thought this was all he had to say to me, like you probably did as well after reading, but then he posted more, and here it is;

"The most important thing, FIND YOUR OWN PATH, while other peoples paths may seem interesting, that doesn't mean you will ultimately benefit from it or like it. Sometimes the path least traveled is pretty damn good, sometimes it really sucks ass. Realize life will smack you around from time to time whether you like it or not, so know its coming and be prep'd for it the best ya can. You never know when you'll be lucky and gifted to hang out with famous people, like you already have. Don't feel overwhelmed by the world it's fun. When you come to New York, we'll open your eyes wide for a couple weeks. When you go back to Seattle, it will seem simple and easy."

These words didn't really sound like anything I've ever heard from him before. With him, it was usually always just, "Get a job, do good in school, put work before friends, you can make new friends later." But I'm only now realizing that my father and I are more a like then I once believe us to be. He, just like me, aren't the best at giving advice to people face to face. Yes, we could do it, but it will just cover the basics of what we could really be telling you. We are both very mental people who like to think about what we say before we talk. So person to person, what we say may not be as good as what you will get if you were to send us a message asking us for help.

Now, what my dad says doesn't end there, and this is the part I love my father most for saying. Knowing that my ex had responded to this and will get updates whenever his comments as well, here is what my dad said next;

"One more thing, NEVER let someone push you around in life, especially some stupid boy who is thinking with his dick and trying to control you. There is something to be said about a gal who is trully in control of her own life. Be the master of your own universe."

Reading this just made my dad complete, depression gone and me smiling at my fathers word, though I still feel a little lost and lonely, but I can deal with it better then I could have if still depressed. And for the last comment that I got on this, thought not from my ex or my father just a carrying friend. She said;

"Just don't be a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. Paddle somewhere and if you don't like it paddle somewhere else (^_^) You will only know if you try."

Just the image of someone sitting in a paddle boat in the middle of the ocean trying to paddle somewhere had me cracking up. So smile on my face and depression gone, I'm ready for the paths that I will pass and the decisions I will have to make when I go down one of them.

Better Than Me?

And yet again the ones I love, the ones that make life worth living for, are the ones that make me feel as though I am waste of a life.Why is it they treat me like this?

I know what you must be thinking. It can't be that bad, I'm just over-reacting, don't be so dramatic.

But sometimes it really is that bad, sometimes something that someone says can really make you just think,"Do I deserve this life? Do I really have a place here? Maybe...I should just give up..."

Please try to understand me correctly. I'm not saying that I'm about to go out and kill myself or something, that's just stupid. More like, maybe I should leave this life behind and go find one better suited to me.

But the sad thing is, I don't think I could ever leave this life, no matter what how much I wanted too. I couldn't leave you behind.

Now, my dear friend Emily. What have you done to make me feel so useless?

I do everything for you. If you just ask, I will try my hardest to do anything.You were the first girl I ever dated, the first girl I ever loved. I left you thinking I would be bad for you then you came back and you were the bad one. But I still loved you.

You are the one I've had most of my firsts with, first love, first kiss, first drug.

I left because I didn't want to corrupt you, and then you corrupted me. What irony that is, right?

I wish you could know how you make me feel. Could we trade places for a day, please? So you can finally feel this confusing mixture of love, hate, sadness and warmth I hold inside of me.

Face to face I see you care for me, in some ways at least. You joke about how we are like a married couple that we should get married someday. You say that somehow through all the differences we have with each other we are perfect together. You don't know how we get along but somehow we do. We only get along because I play along with everything you do. If you told me to jump, I wouldn't have to ask how high, I'd already know. I know everything about you, all your likes, dislikes, habits, pet-peeves. But you know nothing of me because I hide behind you, and you ask nothing about it.

When we are apart and you talk to me online or on the phone or whatever. You act as though you are better then me, like it's just a hassle for you to even speak to me. You talk about how you got a job and how good you are because of it. Then when I say I'm going to apply for one, you say, "If you actually follow through with it." as though there was ever a time that I didn't before. In person, you told me you would help me get the open spot at your work, apart you tell me you just got the part for someone else. You always tell me when you are going to do something with someone else and say that it's going to be so much more fun then whatever I'm doing.

You always ask for my help when you do things and if something goes wrong it's always my fault, even if I warned you it might not work. We're trying to buy something together now, you said you'd pay for most of it if I just payed you back. I got the amount you wanted me to, it was so hard to get even that, and then you tell me I have to get more and if I don't you're just going to go and get it with someone else. You know it's hard for me to get money, it's not as easy for me as it is for you, and yet you expect me to do better then you somehow. And if I don't I'm useless.

And yet, I could only ever leave your side if you asked it of me and I know you would never ask. I'm here to stay by your side, to protect you. Because I am your protector. I feel if I left you then you would be harmed or worse, that you would disappear.

Who is in the wrong here, you for doing such to me, or myself for tolerating it?