And yet again the ones I love, the ones that make life worth living for, are the ones that make me feel as though I am waste of a life.Why is it they treat me like this?
I know what you must be thinking. It can't be that bad, I'm just over-reacting, don't be so dramatic.
But sometimes it really is that bad, sometimes something that someone says can really make you just think,"Do I deserve this life? Do I really have a place here? Maybe...I should just give up..."
Please try to understand me correctly. I'm not saying that I'm about to go out and kill myself or something, that's just stupid. More like, maybe I should leave this life behind and go find one better suited to me.
But the sad thing is, I don't think I could ever leave this life, no matter what how much I wanted too. I couldn't leave you behind.
Now, my dear friend Emily. What have you done to make me feel so useless?
I do everything for you. If you just ask, I will try my hardest to do anything.You were the first girl I ever dated, the first girl I ever loved. I left you thinking I would be bad for you then you came back and you were the bad one. But I still loved you.
You are the one I've had most of my firsts with, first love, first kiss, first drug.
I left because I didn't want to corrupt you, and then you corrupted me. What irony that is, right?
I wish you could know how you make me feel. Could we trade places for a day, please? So you can finally feel this confusing mixture of love, hate, sadness and warmth I hold inside of me.
Face to face I see you care for me, in some ways at least. You joke about how we are like a married couple that we should get married someday. You say that somehow through all the differences we have with each other we are perfect together. You don't know how we get along but somehow we do. We only get along because I play along with everything you do. If you told me to jump, I wouldn't have to ask how high, I'd already know. I know everything about you, all your likes, dislikes, habits, pet-peeves. But you know nothing of me because I hide behind you, and you ask nothing about it.
When we are apart and you talk to me online or on the phone or whatever. You act as though you are better then me, like it's just a hassle for you to even speak to me. You talk about how you got a job and how good you are because of it. Then when I say I'm going to apply for one, you say, "If you actually follow through with it." as though there was ever a time that I didn't before. In person, you told me you would help me get the open spot at your work, apart you tell me you just got the part for someone else. You always tell me when you are going to do something with someone else and say that it's going to be so much more fun then whatever I'm doing.
You always ask for my help when you do things and if something goes wrong it's always my fault, even if I warned you it might not work. We're trying to buy something together now, you said you'd pay for most of it if I just payed you back. I got the amount you wanted me to, it was so hard to get even that, and then you tell me I have to get more and if I don't you're just going to go and get it with someone else. You know it's hard for me to get money, it's not as easy for me as it is for you, and yet you expect me to do better then you somehow. And if I don't I'm useless.
And yet, I could only ever leave your side if you asked it of me and I know you would never ask. I'm here to stay by your side, to protect you. Because I am your protector. I feel if I left you then you would be harmed or worse, that you would disappear.
Who is in the wrong here, you for doing such to me, or myself for tolerating it?
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