Sometimes I question myself, but then again, who doesn't now a days. I wonder sometimes whats really going on inside my head, because I don't always know really. Sometimes it feels as though there is a wall thrown up inside there that not even I can pass. Am I trying to hide something from myself, and if so, what could it be? I want to know whats behind that hidden door up there.
Maybe if I could simply have a peek as to what is behind it I could finally try to figure out who I am and who I want to become someday, because right now, I'm not completely sure where my life is going.
Is there something wrong with me or are there others out there with this same problem? Do others wonder who they are and who they want to be? Do others wonder where they want to go in life and what they want to do? Do they wonder why others don't really seem to understand them, why they don't feel right in their own life, why they don't seem to belong?
Could someone explain this feeling inside that makes me want to walk away from everything that I have, the good and the bad, simply walk away into the distance so that I can finally find my goal in life. My true meaning.
My whole life I've heard this voice inside that's told be to hold back, to restrain myself from becoming attached to everything in my life. My whole life I thought that I truelly was listening to that voice and now it's telling me to leave everything behind and it is only now that I realize that I was letting everyone slip through the cracks. I couldn't leave you behind, even if my life depended on it. Even if it means giving up finding who I really am.
Maybe there will be a day when I will go out to try and understand what this feeling is. Maybe one day I will convince you to follow me along on that journey. Maybe there will be a day when I will finally be able to speak the words I've always only whispered to myself late at night when everyone is sleeping but me. Maybe one day I wont be the coward that I am and finally be myself instead of following in everyone's footsteps.
So now instead of listening to whatever Divine voice that speaks to me of journeys and life callings and adventures. Instead of doing what I rightly should for myself, for my sanity, for my very will to live. Instead of finding out who I am and what I must do. Instead I follow in your shadow, hidden from the world, forgotten until you speak for me, until you set me free.
For now, I shall wait, I shall suffer for the happiness of the ones I let in. And I shall not regret it until the day I die.
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