Divine Voices Ignored

Sometimes I question myself, but then again, who doesn't now a days. I wonder sometimes whats really going on inside my head, because I don't always know really. Sometimes it feels as though there is a wall thrown up inside there that not even I can pass. Am I trying to hide something from myself, and if so, what could it be? I want to know whats behind that hidden door up there.

Maybe if I could simply have a peek as to what is behind it I could finally try to figure out who I am and who I want to become someday, because right now, I'm not completely sure where my life is going.

Is there something wrong with me or are there others out there with this same problem? Do others wonder who they are and who they want to be? Do others wonder where they want to go in life and what they want to do? Do they wonder why others don't really seem to understand them, why they don't feel right in their own life, why they don't seem to belong?

Could someone explain this feeling inside that makes me want to walk away from everything that I have, the good and the bad, simply walk away into the distance so that I can finally find my goal in life. My true meaning.

My whole life I've heard this voice inside that's told be to hold back, to restrain myself from becoming attached to everything in my life. My whole life I thought that I truelly was listening to that voice and now it's telling me to leave everything behind and it is only now that I realize that I was letting everyone slip through the cracks. I couldn't leave you behind, even if my life depended on it. Even if it means giving up finding who I really am.

Maybe there will be a day when I will go out to try and understand what this feeling is. Maybe one day I will convince you to follow me along on that journey. Maybe there will be a day when I will finally be able to speak the words I've always only whispered to myself late at night when everyone is sleeping but me. Maybe one day I wont be the coward that I am and finally be myself instead of following in everyone's footsteps.

So now instead of listening to whatever Divine voice that speaks to me of journeys and life callings and adventures. Instead of doing what I rightly should for myself, for my sanity, for my very will to live. Instead of finding out who I am and what I must do. Instead I follow in your shadow, hidden from the world, forgotten until you speak for me, until you set me free.

For now, I shall wait, I shall suffer for the happiness of the ones I let in. And I shall not regret it until the day I die.

Demented Family Part 3: Daddy Dearest

Daddy~

My father just like my mother was a rebel, but in a more sophisticated way. He never got caught when he caused trouble, mostly it was just revenge from people picking on him, and they never even knew it was him who got them back. He smoked pot, like the rest of my family, and drank, but he was always about control, he knew when he should stop and he did.

After he graduate from high school, he went straight into the army. He was the best at what he did, top of his class in sniper and reconnaissance and going undercover and that sort of thing. One time when we came back on leave, he was about 21 I think, he meet my mom and they hit it off before he left.

Nine months later I was born but he was still away and wouldn't even know about me until he came back 2 years later. When he meet me he said that it changed his whole life. He had planned on continuing in army, but with me around he didn't want to leave me without a father.So he put away his army gear and became a security guard to pay child support. Of my sisters father, mine was the only one that payed child support every month.

My father knew a lot of famous singers and bands when I was little, mostly rock or metal bands, and I would meet them as well, though I don't remember. I do remember going to the bars he would work at and sitting next to the speakers and loving it.

I would go to my fathers about once or twice a month sometimes less, sometimes more. But the older I got the less I visited until finally I would only see him about 4-5 times a year. We grew apart from the bond that we used to have but that bond is still there, trying to make it self known. That will be so hard to fix now.

Last weekend, my father and is girlfriend of three years moved to New York so that she could go to school there to become a fashion designer. It's not that I don't think he should have gone, because it really is good for both of them, they deserve to be happy together, it's just that I'll miss him.

Not only that though, it's always I don't think he was a good enough daughter to him. The past 5-6 years that we've grown apart, every time I see him he always says the same thing to me. "You need to go get a job, you need to do better in school, you need to put your future ahead of having friends, you don't need them now, you can find better ones later in life." The last thing he said to me before he left was, "I don't even know what to think of you anymore."

Is that what a father say before he goes away and wont see his daughter for who knows how long. Is that what he thinks of me, that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't be happy now because it will ruin my life later?

Maybe he is right, maybe I do need to fix myself up.

Demented Family Part 2: Sibling Rivalry

M~

My eldest sister is 22, turning 23 on New Years.She's half black and acts as though she owns the world. Being the eldest of the four, I suppose that she was more privileged then the rest of us. At least that's how she always acted. She always got whatever she wanted and if she didn't she would throw a tantrum and get it anyways.

 As she got older, the tantrums became worse. Her and my mother would always get into fights, sometimes the cops would have to be called. It came to a point sometimes that if we lived in a place long enough, that the cops would just know us by name. If we called them they already knew who it was.

I remember this one time it got really bad. She locked herself in my mothers room and from the other side of the door all you could her is things being thrown and  breaking.When she came out and we looked inside, there wasn't much left of the room, The bed frame was broken, the dressers were in pieces on the floor, clothes were torn to shreds. My mom called the cops and M got taken to jail for a few days.

If fighting didn't get her what she wanted, she would just leave. She'd go to one of her fuck up boyfriends house, get drunk and high and get whatever it is she wanted from them. Then she'd come home as though nothing even happened.
 
No matter how many times she would leave, she'd always come back, that was for sure. Regardless of how much she wanted to deny it, she was very dependent on us and she expected us to help her whenever she asked or rather ordered us.Even now, she's moved out all the way to federal way with her son and daughter, she expects us to get all the way to her whenever she needs help. Me and my sisters never do, but my mom has to give her what she wants. So she takes 4 buses just to get out there.

She just needs to grow up and figure out the world doesn't revolve around her.

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S~

She's 20, turning 21 in September. She can have a temper just like my eldest sister, but she was always better at dealing with things when she couldn't get them.She wouldn't yell if it wasn't necessary, most of the time when she yell and get angry, it was because she was defending my mother. She didn't want any of us arguing all the time.

But just like my older sister though, she liked to drink and smoke pot and was always out with her friends all the time. She didn't have crazy amounts of boyfriends all the time though until M.She's come home wasted a few times but she wouldn't make a big deal out of it and would just go to her room to sleep it off.

When we moved down to Las Vegas when I was in fourth grade, she came along of course. But she didn't like it all that much so she moved back here and stayed with my uncle J.Apparently that's when  and come her bad side came out. She would sneak out and be gone for days and come back hungover or high on one thing another.

From what little that I heard, one time my uncle walked into the room S was staying in and found her passed out next to an empty bottle of sleeping pills. They took her to the hospital and she was all right. After that she moved back to Las Vegas to stay with us again.

My little sisters family came down to visit when S was sixteen and A's uncles brother got S pregnant. In order to make things easier on all of us, we moved back here. Right now S is living with her boyfriend F and her two kids, she got her GED and is going to college and is a very good person. She only drinks occasionally, and she lets me stay with her until I move into A's dads place once they get married.




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A~

She's the baby in the family, 15 now, 16 in September, two days before school starts.She's the one I get along with most of all, though I was always the one that was able to get along with all my sisters. She likes getting what she wants and as the baby of the family, normally did. Though not as bad as M, she could have a tantrum sometimes, or she would just cry her eyes out until someone took pity on her and gave her whatever it is she wanted. She was never violent though like M. She could control the anger when she didn't get things.

A never really got in trouble much, was normally a good child except for a few times but most kids have those days. She always had good grades, was always able to find friends easily, guys were always attracted to her. And until most girl she actually had a good personality. She's funny, she's kind, she's caring. But like most people she too had her flaws.

Like I said before she liked getting what she wanted, and she really was a crybaby. She'd cry over small things, like someone eat the food she was saving for later or one of my sisters took one of her shirts without asking. She was never very good a sharing what was hers.

Another thing too, she is a little superficial, not horrible so but a little bit. She likes clothes and fashion, if her friends weren't dress nicely, she'd dress them, if there hair was messed up, she had to fix it. I supposed it wasn't bad, it wasn't like she wouldn't be your friend if you didn't dress nice, she'd just fix you up until you were better.

But just like the rest of my family, she liked to drunk and smoke pot. Of course not as much as the rest of us, of all of us she is the most innocent. She'd drink on special occasion and same with smoking pot. She was never serious about that stuff. She just liked to have some fun everyone once in a while.



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My sisters and I, we tried as hard as we could to get along, but sisters will be sister and we had our squabbles now and again. Usually it was just my sisters and not me, I always stayed out of drama, but I'm not going to talk about me here, we'll wait for that until after I talk about Daddy Dearest.

Demented Family Part 1: Motherly Love

Mother~

My mom is always getting new jobs. I don't see why the ones she gets just aren't good enough. Most of them are, but then she goes and messes everything up. Or just quits. Whenever me or one of my sisters questions her about it, it's always the same. I didn't like it, I couldn't handle working there. She never complained before then though.

With all those changing of jobs, is it so surprising that she would decide she wanted to move a lot too? No, not really. And she had to drag me and my sisters around too, I mean where else could we go? Sure we had our fathers to go to but then we would all be separated from each other. You see, each of my sisters and I (Lets just call the older 2 M and S and my younger one A) we all have different dads. I guess mom could never decide anything in life, could she?

 That's not the worst though. Her drinking problems are uncontrollable. No one can really stop her, she's an alcoholic, probably one of the reasons that her life is so messed up. She drinks most days, even around her grandchildren, which is horrible to say the least. It'll look like she only drinks a shot or one beer, but somehow she always gets wasted out of her mind. Just means she's hiding her drinks somewhere, trying to hide her problems and make is seem like its not really there. She isn't fooling anyone.

Last week, I was staying at my sister S place because my mom, me and younger sister got kicked out of our last place. It was just me staying there, A was at a friends and mom at W, my ex step-dads place, or so I thought. I was just sleeping in bed when S walks in and says, "We have to talk." I thought she found my stash or something but instead my sister say, "Moms getting married and the weddings in two weeks." I asked who to and S said A's dad.

And here I thought that sleeping with W's neighbor would be good enough for mother but apparently it wasn't.She had to go off and married A's dad who over $5,000 in child support and when I asked her why all she could say was, "It just makes since, we've known each other for 16 years." What kind of a response is that? Because she knew him for 16 years? She knew my dad for 18 and they never got married, how does that even make sense. I told this to S and she told me mother said it was cause they were in love.

I just don't know what to believe when it comes to mother.

Yin Yang

Even when I'm with you, sometimes I believe I might as well be alone. But at the same time I couldn't think of ever leaving you for an extended length of time. Why is that? Why is it I feel compelled to do whatever you wish, regardless of my well being in the matter? I don't think I could ever say no to you, even if I truelly wanted to.

I want to make you happy, I want to see you smile. But when I see your lips curl up in happiness, I know it just means I have to try harder next time because once you've had a taste of what you love. Once you know that feeling of joy that runs through you when something good happens. It just means you want more of it. Anything equal to or less then what you have isn't good enough for you, you must have more or it isn't worth your time.

So why do I stick by your side so closely when all I get is neglect? When I'm with you sometimes, when it's just me and you, you act as though you might care for me, I suppose it may be true, maybe you do. But it's always asthough you have soemthing better on your mind when I'm there. "We need to do this, we need to do that again. I'm bored when I'm not on something or doing something I'm not supposed to do. I don't want to relax, it's not worth it."

You worry me sometimes, but... I could never stop you from doing these things. I could never do that if it meant I couldn't see you smile anymore, even if it's only rarely.

Why must it be I can't leave you or try to save you from yourself? Is it because I love you? No, that's not it, though it is true I love you, only in the most platonic way. When I lay next to you at night, I only want to lay there, nothing more. Is it because I feel I must protect you? Maybe, that could be it. Make sense really.

he first time I saw you, way back then, I was attracted to you in a way I couldn't explain if I tried too. I wanted to be near you and I was, I got what I wanted. When we tried to make it more then just friends. When we made it me and you, it just didn't feel right to me, no matter how much you thought that it did. I couldn't stop the feeling inside I got when I kissed you that I was doing something wrong. So I had to end it, no matter how much it hurt the both of us.

I let you go and you found someone that you wanted to be with and it seemed that you were happy. I left you to yourself with you and her and when i found you again you weren't the girl I left. When she left and you had no one, you can back to me and I made it better for the time being.

And then you showed me everything she showed you and you know what... I loved it just as you did, it felt so good and I wanted more just like you did, but the difference between me and you is that I could control that feeling.

The feeling of want and need that I got whenever I never had the things I wanted. I've had practice with that, my whole life was filled with things I wanted but couldn't have. You though, weren't as lucky as I was, if luck is what you want to call it. You've gotten everything you've wanted most of you life, so why should it change now?

I feel like I should protect you, from yourself and the things you love so dearly. I was put here to make sure you are safe and don't go too far and do something reckless that will kill you. I'll be your control, if you'll be my crazy. I'll be your carelessness, if you'll be my paranoia. I'll be the Yin to your Yang. If only you would let me.