What is there to tell now?
Dear Mother you seem to surprise me more and more these days and just when I thought everything was finally going to be okay for once. Now you must be thinking, "What could she have done now?"
Well, it started about a month and a half ago. My mom randomly disappeared from work. She was dropped off by a friend at noon and by 1 she was no where to be found. We called her work and they said she wasn't there. We called her and she never answered. I went into her work at 3 and asked her co-workers if they had seen her and said she left at 1 for lunch.
We she finally answered her phone hours later, it was 9pm and she was drunk. She said that she was on her way home but it was by stepdad she was on the phone with and he was walking to the store at the time and he found her just sitting on the curb in front of the store.
When questioned about where she had been and what she had been doing, her answer was the stupidest thing in the world. She said that she had left work to go talk to this gay guy that worked at the Disney store, she talked to him about a new store opening in California that she was interested in going to work at. She said that afterwards she had to walk home because she had forgotten to bring money for the bus.
Of course we didn't believe her. Why would she walk 15 miles home when she could just call someone at home to come and pick her up? There are 4 people here with cars that could have gone and picked her up. We asked her this and she had said that she wanted to get some fresh air anyways and that she enjoyed walking. Even if that was true, it doesn't take 7 hours to walk 15 miles. Again, we said this to her, and she change the story again and said that she had stopped in a bunch of parks on the way here to rest.
We probably could have accepted this story, for all its craziness and everything, if she had actaully picked up her phone during all that time. She told us that she didn't hear it going off and that during all that time that she had been walking from park to park in order to get home, that she had not once looked at her phone.
Remember, during all this time that we were questioning her, that she was drunk, later that night, her and my stepfather got into a fight because we all thought that she might have been with another guy. She didn't like that we thought that and the two of them got into a big fight.
The next day my mother left and went ot my sister S place. What no one but me and my sisters know is that some of the time that she wasn't here, at home, she was at W as well.
My mom and my stepdad didn't talk for a while and she came back home after being away for 2 weeks. They tried to fix things between the two of them, and they did for a while there. Then the day before Halloween my mom got really drunk and they got into an arguement again. It was really bad, it woke up the whole house and everyone was angry.
The next day, my mom left again, my sister came here and picked her up and brought her to her house. Apparently, that night, after the fight, they had gone to bed and my stepdad woke up laying in my mothers piss. He asker her why she hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom and she said that she hadn't wanted to get up so she just pied there. That made them fight more and thats what made my mother leave that day.
You think thats it, well it mostly is. They tried to fix it up again after that, about 2 weeks after that last fight, but my mom didn't even stay the night once before they fought agian and she left.
Maybe one day my mother will figure out whats wrong with her like the rest of us already have and maybe one day she'll finally fix her problems but truth be told, if that day every does come by, it will be a long ways away.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Demented Family Part 4: Love From Father
Even though alot of the time my father makes me feel as though I'm worthless and nothing, whenever I express that that's how I am feeling, he trys to make me feel better.
Just the other day I made a post on facebook, this is what it said;
"Sometimes I feel lost, and it just makes me want to walk away from everything in my life but when you walk away when lost, you just end up making things worse. So what should I do? Just sit here and wait for someone to give me a map? What if I don't like where that map leads? Will I forever be lost in this world where I feel like I don't belong? I'm just wishing for a sign that says I'm going in the right direction.."
My ex-boyfriend comment on this, we broke up in June because he was being an asshole and told me to decide between him and my best friend. And though he didn't really say anything rude, though I think it was his way of saying I was wrong for picking my best friend instead of him, what he said made me feel worse considering we haven't talked at all since then and then he responds to the one thing that shows I'm feeling depressed. He said this;
"The wrong direction is the one full of regrets, miss chances, and "could of been" moments, when you see someone out in a field, go talk to them. When you see a rusty door, enter it. Take the hidden path and feel life with adventure."
My dad of course, respond to this, at first just to the post itself, and what he said made me feel a little better considering all the times that he made me feel so bad about myself. He said;
"While it seems you are lost, I want you to know you are only at a crossroads of life. I will guess you feel lost because of all the choices and options available to you along with directions to go. The first steps are always filled with uncertainty. I was nervous at first, like everyone is. Know that this feeling will fade in time. The world awaits you and what ever direction you want to go. Some roads will be obvious choices, others will be hidden from view. I say do the obvious roads and check out some of the hiddens from time to time, ya never know what you'll find. Never regret your past, its what made you what you are today, and tomorrow is brand new, open for new things."
This is, in a small sort of way, saying what he had always told me but at the same time if sounds completely different. I don't know, maybe i've grown up a little, maybe I was never really listening to him in the first place. I thought this was all he had to say to me, like you probably did as well after reading, but then he posted more, and here it is;
"The most important thing, FIND YOUR OWN PATH, while other peoples paths may seem interesting, that doesn't mean you will ultimately benefit from it or like it. Sometimes the path least traveled is pretty damn good, sometimes it really sucks ass. Realize life will smack you around from time to time whether you like it or not, so know its coming and be prep'd for it the best ya can. You never know when you'll be lucky and gifted to hang out with famous people, like you already have. Don't feel overwhelmed by the world it's fun. When you come to New York, we'll open your eyes wide for a couple weeks. When you go back to Seattle, it will seem simple and easy."
These words didn't really sound like anything I've ever heard from him before. With him, it was usually always just, "Get a job, do good in school, put work before friends, you can make new friends later." But I'm only now realizing that my father and I are more a like then I once believe us to be. He, just like me, aren't the best at giving advice to people face to face. Yes, we could do it, but it will just cover the basics of what we could really be telling you. We are both very mental people who like to think about what we say before we talk. So person to person, what we say may not be as good as what you will get if you were to send us a message asking us for help.
Now, what my dad says doesn't end there, and this is the part I love my father most for saying. Knowing that my ex had responded to this and will get updates whenever his comments as well, here is what my dad said next;
"One more thing, NEVER let someone push you around in life, especially some stupid boy who is thinking with his dick and trying to control you. There is something to be said about a gal who is trully in control of her own life. Be the master of your own universe."
Reading this just made my dad complete, depression gone and me smiling at my fathers word, though I still feel a little lost and lonely, but I can deal with it better then I could have if still depressed. And for the last comment that I got on this, thought not from my ex or my father just a carrying friend. She said;
"Just don't be a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. Paddle somewhere and if you don't like it paddle somewhere else (^_^) You will only know if you try."
Just the image of someone sitting in a paddle boat in the middle of the ocean trying to paddle somewhere had me cracking up. So smile on my face and depression gone, I'm ready for the paths that I will pass and the decisions I will have to make when I go down one of them.
Just the other day I made a post on facebook, this is what it said;
"Sometimes I feel lost, and it just makes me want to walk away from everything in my life but when you walk away when lost, you just end up making things worse. So what should I do? Just sit here and wait for someone to give me a map? What if I don't like where that map leads? Will I forever be lost in this world where I feel like I don't belong? I'm just wishing for a sign that says I'm going in the right direction.."
My ex-boyfriend comment on this, we broke up in June because he was being an asshole and told me to decide between him and my best friend. And though he didn't really say anything rude, though I think it was his way of saying I was wrong for picking my best friend instead of him, what he said made me feel worse considering we haven't talked at all since then and then he responds to the one thing that shows I'm feeling depressed. He said this;
"The wrong direction is the one full of regrets, miss chances, and "could of been" moments, when you see someone out in a field, go talk to them. When you see a rusty door, enter it. Take the hidden path and feel life with adventure."
My dad of course, respond to this, at first just to the post itself, and what he said made me feel a little better considering all the times that he made me feel so bad about myself. He said;
"While it seems you are lost, I want you to know you are only at a crossroads of life. I will guess you feel lost because of all the choices and options available to you along with directions to go. The first steps are always filled with uncertainty. I was nervous at first, like everyone is. Know that this feeling will fade in time. The world awaits you and what ever direction you want to go. Some roads will be obvious choices, others will be hidden from view. I say do the obvious roads and check out some of the hiddens from time to time, ya never know what you'll find. Never regret your past, its what made you what you are today, and tomorrow is brand new, open for new things."
This is, in a small sort of way, saying what he had always told me but at the same time if sounds completely different. I don't know, maybe i've grown up a little, maybe I was never really listening to him in the first place. I thought this was all he had to say to me, like you probably did as well after reading, but then he posted more, and here it is;
"The most important thing, FIND YOUR OWN PATH, while other peoples paths may seem interesting, that doesn't mean you will ultimately benefit from it or like it. Sometimes the path least traveled is pretty damn good, sometimes it really sucks ass. Realize life will smack you around from time to time whether you like it or not, so know its coming and be prep'd for it the best ya can. You never know when you'll be lucky and gifted to hang out with famous people, like you already have. Don't feel overwhelmed by the world it's fun. When you come to New York, we'll open your eyes wide for a couple weeks. When you go back to Seattle, it will seem simple and easy."
These words didn't really sound like anything I've ever heard from him before. With him, it was usually always just, "Get a job, do good in school, put work before friends, you can make new friends later." But I'm only now realizing that my father and I are more a like then I once believe us to be. He, just like me, aren't the best at giving advice to people face to face. Yes, we could do it, but it will just cover the basics of what we could really be telling you. We are both very mental people who like to think about what we say before we talk. So person to person, what we say may not be as good as what you will get if you were to send us a message asking us for help.
Now, what my dad says doesn't end there, and this is the part I love my father most for saying. Knowing that my ex had responded to this and will get updates whenever his comments as well, here is what my dad said next;
"One more thing, NEVER let someone push you around in life, especially some stupid boy who is thinking with his dick and trying to control you. There is something to be said about a gal who is trully in control of her own life. Be the master of your own universe."
Reading this just made my dad complete, depression gone and me smiling at my fathers word, though I still feel a little lost and lonely, but I can deal with it better then I could have if still depressed. And for the last comment that I got on this, thought not from my ex or my father just a carrying friend. She said;
"Just don't be a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. Paddle somewhere and if you don't like it paddle somewhere else (^_^) You will only know if you try."
Just the image of someone sitting in a paddle boat in the middle of the ocean trying to paddle somewhere had me cracking up. So smile on my face and depression gone, I'm ready for the paths that I will pass and the decisions I will have to make when I go down one of them.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Better Than Me?
And yet again the ones I love, the ones that make life worth living for, are the ones that make me feel as though I am waste of a life.Why is it they treat me like this?
I know what you must be thinking. It can't be that bad, I'm just over-reacting, don't be so dramatic.
But sometimes it really is that bad, sometimes something that someone says can really make you just think,"Do I deserve this life? Do I really have a place here? Maybe...I should just give up..."
Please try to understand me correctly. I'm not saying that I'm about to go out and kill myself or something, that's just stupid. More like, maybe I should leave this life behind and go find one better suited to me.
But the sad thing is, I don't think I could ever leave this life, no matter what how much I wanted too. I couldn't leave you behind.
Now, my dear friend Emily. What have you done to make me feel so useless?
I do everything for you. If you just ask, I will try my hardest to do anything.You were the first girl I ever dated, the first girl I ever loved. I left you thinking I would be bad for you then you came back and you were the bad one. But I still loved you.
You are the one I've had most of my firsts with, first love, first kiss, first drug.
I left because I didn't want to corrupt you, and then you corrupted me. What irony that is, right?
I wish you could know how you make me feel. Could we trade places for a day, please? So you can finally feel this confusing mixture of love, hate, sadness and warmth I hold inside of me.
Face to face I see you care for me, in some ways at least. You joke about how we are like a married couple that we should get married someday. You say that somehow through all the differences we have with each other we are perfect together. You don't know how we get along but somehow we do. We only get along because I play along with everything you do. If you told me to jump, I wouldn't have to ask how high, I'd already know. I know everything about you, all your likes, dislikes, habits, pet-peeves. But you know nothing of me because I hide behind you, and you ask nothing about it.
When we are apart and you talk to me online or on the phone or whatever. You act as though you are better then me, like it's just a hassle for you to even speak to me. You talk about how you got a job and how good you are because of it. Then when I say I'm going to apply for one, you say, "If you actually follow through with it." as though there was ever a time that I didn't before. In person, you told me you would help me get the open spot at your work, apart you tell me you just got the part for someone else. You always tell me when you are going to do something with someone else and say that it's going to be so much more fun then whatever I'm doing.
You always ask for my help when you do things and if something goes wrong it's always my fault, even if I warned you it might not work. We're trying to buy something together now, you said you'd pay for most of it if I just payed you back. I got the amount you wanted me to, it was so hard to get even that, and then you tell me I have to get more and if I don't you're just going to go and get it with someone else. You know it's hard for me to get money, it's not as easy for me as it is for you, and yet you expect me to do better then you somehow. And if I don't I'm useless.
And yet, I could only ever leave your side if you asked it of me and I know you would never ask. I'm here to stay by your side, to protect you. Because I am your protector. I feel if I left you then you would be harmed or worse, that you would disappear.
Who is in the wrong here, you for doing such to me, or myself for tolerating it?
I know what you must be thinking. It can't be that bad, I'm just over-reacting, don't be so dramatic.
But sometimes it really is that bad, sometimes something that someone says can really make you just think,"Do I deserve this life? Do I really have a place here? Maybe...I should just give up..."
Please try to understand me correctly. I'm not saying that I'm about to go out and kill myself or something, that's just stupid. More like, maybe I should leave this life behind and go find one better suited to me.
But the sad thing is, I don't think I could ever leave this life, no matter what how much I wanted too. I couldn't leave you behind.
Now, my dear friend Emily. What have you done to make me feel so useless?
I do everything for you. If you just ask, I will try my hardest to do anything.You were the first girl I ever dated, the first girl I ever loved. I left you thinking I would be bad for you then you came back and you were the bad one. But I still loved you.
You are the one I've had most of my firsts with, first love, first kiss, first drug.
I left because I didn't want to corrupt you, and then you corrupted me. What irony that is, right?
I wish you could know how you make me feel. Could we trade places for a day, please? So you can finally feel this confusing mixture of love, hate, sadness and warmth I hold inside of me.
Face to face I see you care for me, in some ways at least. You joke about how we are like a married couple that we should get married someday. You say that somehow through all the differences we have with each other we are perfect together. You don't know how we get along but somehow we do. We only get along because I play along with everything you do. If you told me to jump, I wouldn't have to ask how high, I'd already know. I know everything about you, all your likes, dislikes, habits, pet-peeves. But you know nothing of me because I hide behind you, and you ask nothing about it.
When we are apart and you talk to me online or on the phone or whatever. You act as though you are better then me, like it's just a hassle for you to even speak to me. You talk about how you got a job and how good you are because of it. Then when I say I'm going to apply for one, you say, "If you actually follow through with it." as though there was ever a time that I didn't before. In person, you told me you would help me get the open spot at your work, apart you tell me you just got the part for someone else. You always tell me when you are going to do something with someone else and say that it's going to be so much more fun then whatever I'm doing.
You always ask for my help when you do things and if something goes wrong it's always my fault, even if I warned you it might not work. We're trying to buy something together now, you said you'd pay for most of it if I just payed you back. I got the amount you wanted me to, it was so hard to get even that, and then you tell me I have to get more and if I don't you're just going to go and get it with someone else. You know it's hard for me to get money, it's not as easy for me as it is for you, and yet you expect me to do better then you somehow. And if I don't I'm useless.
And yet, I could only ever leave your side if you asked it of me and I know you would never ask. I'm here to stay by your side, to protect you. Because I am your protector. I feel if I left you then you would be harmed or worse, that you would disappear.
Who is in the wrong here, you for doing such to me, or myself for tolerating it?
Friday, August 27, 2010
Divine Voices Ignored
Sometimes I question myself, but then again, who doesn't now a days. I wonder sometimes whats really going on inside my head, because I don't always know really. Sometimes it feels as though there is a wall thrown up inside there that not even I can pass. Am I trying to hide something from myself, and if so, what could it be? I want to know whats behind that hidden door up there.
Maybe if I could simply have a peek as to what is behind it I could finally try to figure out who I am and who I want to become someday, because right now, I'm not completely sure where my life is going.
Is there something wrong with me or are there others out there with this same problem? Do others wonder who they are and who they want to be? Do others wonder where they want to go in life and what they want to do? Do they wonder why others don't really seem to understand them, why they don't feel right in their own life, why they don't seem to belong?
Could someone explain this feeling inside that makes me want to walk away from everything that I have, the good and the bad, simply walk away into the distance so that I can finally find my goal in life. My true meaning.
My whole life I've heard this voice inside that's told be to hold back, to restrain myself from becoming attached to everything in my life. My whole life I thought that I truelly was listening to that voice and now it's telling me to leave everything behind and it is only now that I realize that I was letting everyone slip through the cracks. I couldn't leave you behind, even if my life depended on it. Even if it means giving up finding who I really am.
Maybe there will be a day when I will go out to try and understand what this feeling is. Maybe one day I will convince you to follow me along on that journey. Maybe there will be a day when I will finally be able to speak the words I've always only whispered to myself late at night when everyone is sleeping but me. Maybe one day I wont be the coward that I am and finally be myself instead of following in everyone's footsteps.
So now instead of listening to whatever Divine voice that speaks to me of journeys and life callings and adventures. Instead of doing what I rightly should for myself, for my sanity, for my very will to live. Instead of finding out who I am and what I must do. Instead I follow in your shadow, hidden from the world, forgotten until you speak for me, until you set me free.
For now, I shall wait, I shall suffer for the happiness of the ones I let in. And I shall not regret it until the day I die.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Demented Family Part 3: Daddy Dearest
Daddy~
My father just like my mother was a rebel, but in a more sophisticated way. He never got caught when he caused trouble, mostly it was just revenge from people picking on him, and they never even knew it was him who got them back. He smoked pot, like the rest of my family, and drank, but he was always about control, he knew when he should stop and he did.
After he graduate from high school, he went straight into the army. He was the best at what he did, top of his class in sniper and reconnaissance and going undercover and that sort of thing. One time when we came back on leave, he was about 21 I think, he meet my mom and they hit it off before he left.
Nine months later I was born but he was still away and wouldn't even know about me until he came back 2 years later. When he meet me he said that it changed his whole life. He had planned on continuing in army, but with me around he didn't want to leave me without a father.So he put away his army gear and became a security guard to pay child support. Of my sisters father, mine was the only one that payed child support every month.
My father knew a lot of famous singers and bands when I was little, mostly rock or metal bands, and I would meet them as well, though I don't remember. I do remember going to the bars he would work at and sitting next to the speakers and loving it.
I would go to my fathers about once or twice a month sometimes less, sometimes more. But the older I got the less I visited until finally I would only see him about 4-5 times a year. We grew apart from the bond that we used to have but that bond is still there, trying to make it self known. That will be so hard to fix now.
Last weekend, my father and is girlfriend of three years moved to New York so that she could go to school there to become a fashion designer. It's not that I don't think he should have gone, because it really is good for both of them, they deserve to be happy together, it's just that I'll miss him.
Not only that though, it's always I don't think he was a good enough daughter to him. The past 5-6 years that we've grown apart, every time I see him he always says the same thing to me. "You need to go get a job, you need to do better in school, you need to put your future ahead of having friends, you don't need them now, you can find better ones later in life." The last thing he said to me before he left was, "I don't even know what to think of you anymore."
Is that what a father say before he goes away and wont see his daughter for who knows how long. Is that what he thinks of me, that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't be happy now because it will ruin my life later?
Maybe he is right, maybe I do need to fix myself up.
My father just like my mother was a rebel, but in a more sophisticated way. He never got caught when he caused trouble, mostly it was just revenge from people picking on him, and they never even knew it was him who got them back. He smoked pot, like the rest of my family, and drank, but he was always about control, he knew when he should stop and he did.
After he graduate from high school, he went straight into the army. He was the best at what he did, top of his class in sniper and reconnaissance and going undercover and that sort of thing. One time when we came back on leave, he was about 21 I think, he meet my mom and they hit it off before he left.
Nine months later I was born but he was still away and wouldn't even know about me until he came back 2 years later. When he meet me he said that it changed his whole life. He had planned on continuing in army, but with me around he didn't want to leave me without a father.So he put away his army gear and became a security guard to pay child support. Of my sisters father, mine was the only one that payed child support every month.
My father knew a lot of famous singers and bands when I was little, mostly rock or metal bands, and I would meet them as well, though I don't remember. I do remember going to the bars he would work at and sitting next to the speakers and loving it.
I would go to my fathers about once or twice a month sometimes less, sometimes more. But the older I got the less I visited until finally I would only see him about 4-5 times a year. We grew apart from the bond that we used to have but that bond is still there, trying to make it self known. That will be so hard to fix now.
Last weekend, my father and is girlfriend of three years moved to New York so that she could go to school there to become a fashion designer. It's not that I don't think he should have gone, because it really is good for both of them, they deserve to be happy together, it's just that I'll miss him.
Not only that though, it's always I don't think he was a good enough daughter to him. The past 5-6 years that we've grown apart, every time I see him he always says the same thing to me. "You need to go get a job, you need to do better in school, you need to put your future ahead of having friends, you don't need them now, you can find better ones later in life." The last thing he said to me before he left was, "I don't even know what to think of you anymore."
Is that what a father say before he goes away and wont see his daughter for who knows how long. Is that what he thinks of me, that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't be happy now because it will ruin my life later?
Maybe he is right, maybe I do need to fix myself up.
Demented Family Part 2: Sibling Rivalry
M~
My eldest sister is 22, turning 23 on New Years.She's half black and acts as though she owns the world. Being the eldest of the four, I suppose that she was more privileged then the rest of us. At least that's how she always acted. She always got whatever she wanted and if she didn't she would throw a tantrum and get it anyways.
As she got older, the tantrums became worse. Her and my mother would always get into fights, sometimes the cops would have to be called. It came to a point sometimes that if we lived in a place long enough, that the cops would just know us by name. If we called them they already knew who it was.
I remember this one time it got really bad. She locked herself in my mothers room and from the other side of the door all you could her is things being thrown and breaking.When she came out and we looked inside, there wasn't much left of the room, The bed frame was broken, the dressers were in pieces on the floor, clothes were torn to shreds. My mom called the cops and M got taken to jail for a few days.
If fighting didn't get her what she wanted, she would just leave. She'd go to one of her fuck up boyfriends house, get drunk and high and get whatever it is she wanted from them. Then she'd come home as though nothing even happened.
No matter how many times she would leave, she'd always come back, that was for sure. Regardless of how much she wanted to deny it, she was very dependent on us and she expected us to help her whenever she asked or rather ordered us.Even now, she's moved out all the way to federal way with her son and daughter, she expects us to get all the way to her whenever she needs help. Me and my sisters never do, but my mom has to give her what she wants. So she takes 4 buses just to get out there.
She just needs to grow up and figure out the world doesn't revolve around her.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
S~
She's 20, turning 21 in September. She can have a temper just like my eldest sister, but she was always better at dealing with things when she couldn't get them.She wouldn't yell if it wasn't necessary, most of the time when she yell and get angry, it was because she was defending my mother. She didn't want any of us arguing all the time.
But just like my older sister though, she liked to drink and smoke pot and was always out with her friends all the time. She didn't have crazy amounts of boyfriends all the time though until M.She's come home wasted a few times but she wouldn't make a big deal out of it and would just go to her room to sleep it off.
When we moved down to Las Vegas when I was in fourth grade, she came along of course. But she didn't like it all that much so she moved back here and stayed with my uncle J.Apparently that's when and come her bad side came out. She would sneak out and be gone for days and come back hungover or high on one thing another.
From what little that I heard, one time my uncle walked into the room S was staying in and found her passed out next to an empty bottle of sleeping pills. They took her to the hospital and she was all right. After that she moved back to Las Vegas to stay with us again.
My little sisters family came down to visit when S was sixteen and A's uncles brother got S pregnant. In order to make things easier on all of us, we moved back here. Right now S is living with her boyfriend F and her two kids, she got her GED and is going to college and is a very good person. She only drinks occasionally, and she lets me stay with her until I move into A's dads place once they get married.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
A~
She's the baby in the family, 15 now, 16 in September, two days before school starts.She's the one I get along with most of all, though I was always the one that was able to get along with all my sisters. She likes getting what she wants and as the baby of the family, normally did. Though not as bad as M, she could have a tantrum sometimes, or she would just cry her eyes out until someone took pity on her and gave her whatever it is she wanted. She was never violent though like M. She could control the anger when she didn't get things.
A never really got in trouble much, was normally a good child except for a few times but most kids have those days. She always had good grades, was always able to find friends easily, guys were always attracted to her. And until most girl she actually had a good personality. She's funny, she's kind, she's caring. But like most people she too had her flaws.
Like I said before she liked getting what she wanted, and she really was a crybaby. She'd cry over small things, like someone eat the food she was saving for later or one of my sisters took one of her shirts without asking. She was never very good a sharing what was hers.
Another thing too, she is a little superficial, not horrible so but a little bit. She likes clothes and fashion, if her friends weren't dress nicely, she'd dress them, if there hair was messed up, she had to fix it. I supposed it wasn't bad, it wasn't like she wouldn't be your friend if you didn't dress nice, she'd just fix you up until you were better.
But just like the rest of my family, she liked to drunk and smoke pot. Of course not as much as the rest of us, of all of us she is the most innocent. She'd drink on special occasion and same with smoking pot. She was never serious about that stuff. She just liked to have some fun everyone once in a while.
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My sisters and I, we tried as hard as we could to get along, but sisters will be sister and we had our squabbles now and again. Usually it was just my sisters and not me, I always stayed out of drama, but I'm not going to talk about me here, we'll wait for that until after I talk about Daddy Dearest.
My eldest sister is 22, turning 23 on New Years.She's half black and acts as though she owns the world. Being the eldest of the four, I suppose that she was more privileged then the rest of us. At least that's how she always acted. She always got whatever she wanted and if she didn't she would throw a tantrum and get it anyways.
As she got older, the tantrums became worse. Her and my mother would always get into fights, sometimes the cops would have to be called. It came to a point sometimes that if we lived in a place long enough, that the cops would just know us by name. If we called them they already knew who it was.
I remember this one time it got really bad. She locked herself in my mothers room and from the other side of the door all you could her is things being thrown and breaking.When she came out and we looked inside, there wasn't much left of the room, The bed frame was broken, the dressers were in pieces on the floor, clothes were torn to shreds. My mom called the cops and M got taken to jail for a few days.
If fighting didn't get her what she wanted, she would just leave. She'd go to one of her fuck up boyfriends house, get drunk and high and get whatever it is she wanted from them. Then she'd come home as though nothing even happened.
No matter how many times she would leave, she'd always come back, that was for sure. Regardless of how much she wanted to deny it, she was very dependent on us and she expected us to help her whenever she asked or rather ordered us.Even now, she's moved out all the way to federal way with her son and daughter, she expects us to get all the way to her whenever she needs help. Me and my sisters never do, but my mom has to give her what she wants. So she takes 4 buses just to get out there.
She just needs to grow up and figure out the world doesn't revolve around her.
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S~
She's 20, turning 21 in September. She can have a temper just like my eldest sister, but she was always better at dealing with things when she couldn't get them.She wouldn't yell if it wasn't necessary, most of the time when she yell and get angry, it was because she was defending my mother. She didn't want any of us arguing all the time.
But just like my older sister though, she liked to drink and smoke pot and was always out with her friends all the time. She didn't have crazy amounts of boyfriends all the time though until M.She's come home wasted a few times but she wouldn't make a big deal out of it and would just go to her room to sleep it off.
When we moved down to Las Vegas when I was in fourth grade, she came along of course. But she didn't like it all that much so she moved back here and stayed with my uncle J.Apparently that's when and come her bad side came out. She would sneak out and be gone for days and come back hungover or high on one thing another.
From what little that I heard, one time my uncle walked into the room S was staying in and found her passed out next to an empty bottle of sleeping pills. They took her to the hospital and she was all right. After that she moved back to Las Vegas to stay with us again.
My little sisters family came down to visit when S was sixteen and A's uncles brother got S pregnant. In order to make things easier on all of us, we moved back here. Right now S is living with her boyfriend F and her two kids, she got her GED and is going to college and is a very good person. She only drinks occasionally, and she lets me stay with her until I move into A's dads place once they get married.
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A~
She's the baby in the family, 15 now, 16 in September, two days before school starts.She's the one I get along with most of all, though I was always the one that was able to get along with all my sisters. She likes getting what she wants and as the baby of the family, normally did. Though not as bad as M, she could have a tantrum sometimes, or she would just cry her eyes out until someone took pity on her and gave her whatever it is she wanted. She was never violent though like M. She could control the anger when she didn't get things.
A never really got in trouble much, was normally a good child except for a few times but most kids have those days. She always had good grades, was always able to find friends easily, guys were always attracted to her. And until most girl she actually had a good personality. She's funny, she's kind, she's caring. But like most people she too had her flaws.
Like I said before she liked getting what she wanted, and she really was a crybaby. She'd cry over small things, like someone eat the food she was saving for later or one of my sisters took one of her shirts without asking. She was never very good a sharing what was hers.
Another thing too, she is a little superficial, not horrible so but a little bit. She likes clothes and fashion, if her friends weren't dress nicely, she'd dress them, if there hair was messed up, she had to fix it. I supposed it wasn't bad, it wasn't like she wouldn't be your friend if you didn't dress nice, she'd just fix you up until you were better.
But just like the rest of my family, she liked to drunk and smoke pot. Of course not as much as the rest of us, of all of us she is the most innocent. She'd drink on special occasion and same with smoking pot. She was never serious about that stuff. She just liked to have some fun everyone once in a while.
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My sisters and I, we tried as hard as we could to get along, but sisters will be sister and we had our squabbles now and again. Usually it was just my sisters and not me, I always stayed out of drama, but I'm not going to talk about me here, we'll wait for that until after I talk about Daddy Dearest.
Demented Family Part 1: Motherly Love
Mother~
My mom is always getting new jobs. I don't see why the ones she gets just aren't good enough. Most of them are, but then she goes and messes everything up. Or just quits. Whenever me or one of my sisters questions her about it, it's always the same. I didn't like it, I couldn't handle working there. She never complained before then though.
With all those changing of jobs, is it so surprising that she would decide she wanted to move a lot too? No, not really. And she had to drag me and my sisters around too, I mean where else could we go? Sure we had our fathers to go to but then we would all be separated from each other. You see, each of my sisters and I (Lets just call the older 2 M and S and my younger one A) we all have different dads. I guess mom could never decide anything in life, could she?
That's not the worst though. Her drinking problems are uncontrollable. No one can really stop her, she's an alcoholic, probably one of the reasons that her life is so messed up. She drinks most days, even around her grandchildren, which is horrible to say the least. It'll look like she only drinks a shot or one beer, but somehow she always gets wasted out of her mind. Just means she's hiding her drinks somewhere, trying to hide her problems and make is seem like its not really there. She isn't fooling anyone.
Last week, I was staying at my sister S place because my mom, me and younger sister got kicked out of our last place. It was just me staying there, A was at a friends and mom at W, my ex step-dads place, or so I thought. I was just sleeping in bed when S walks in and says, "We have to talk." I thought she found my stash or something but instead my sister say, "Moms getting married and the weddings in two weeks." I asked who to and S said A's dad.
And here I thought that sleeping with W's neighbor would be good enough for mother but apparently it wasn't.She had to go off and married A's dad who over $5,000 in child support and when I asked her why all she could say was, "It just makes since, we've known each other for 16 years." What kind of a response is that? Because she knew him for 16 years? She knew my dad for 18 and they never got married, how does that even make sense. I told this to S and she told me mother said it was cause they were in love.
I just don't know what to believe when it comes to mother.
My mom is always getting new jobs. I don't see why the ones she gets just aren't good enough. Most of them are, but then she goes and messes everything up. Or just quits. Whenever me or one of my sisters questions her about it, it's always the same. I didn't like it, I couldn't handle working there. She never complained before then though.
With all those changing of jobs, is it so surprising that she would decide she wanted to move a lot too? No, not really. And she had to drag me and my sisters around too, I mean where else could we go? Sure we had our fathers to go to but then we would all be separated from each other. You see, each of my sisters and I (Lets just call the older 2 M and S and my younger one A) we all have different dads. I guess mom could never decide anything in life, could she?
That's not the worst though. Her drinking problems are uncontrollable. No one can really stop her, she's an alcoholic, probably one of the reasons that her life is so messed up. She drinks most days, even around her grandchildren, which is horrible to say the least. It'll look like she only drinks a shot or one beer, but somehow she always gets wasted out of her mind. Just means she's hiding her drinks somewhere, trying to hide her problems and make is seem like its not really there. She isn't fooling anyone.
Last week, I was staying at my sister S place because my mom, me and younger sister got kicked out of our last place. It was just me staying there, A was at a friends and mom at W, my ex step-dads place, or so I thought. I was just sleeping in bed when S walks in and says, "We have to talk." I thought she found my stash or something but instead my sister say, "Moms getting married and the weddings in two weeks." I asked who to and S said A's dad.
And here I thought that sleeping with W's neighbor would be good enough for mother but apparently it wasn't.She had to go off and married A's dad who over $5,000 in child support and when I asked her why all she could say was, "It just makes since, we've known each other for 16 years." What kind of a response is that? Because she knew him for 16 years? She knew my dad for 18 and they never got married, how does that even make sense. I told this to S and she told me mother said it was cause they were in love.
I just don't know what to believe when it comes to mother.
Yin Yang
Even when I'm with you, sometimes I believe I might as well be alone. But at the same time I couldn't think of ever leaving you for an extended length of time. Why is that? Why is it I feel compelled to do whatever you wish, regardless of my well being in the matter? I don't think I could ever say no to you, even if I truelly wanted to.
I want to make you happy, I want to see you smile. But when I see your lips curl up in happiness, I know it just means I have to try harder next time because once you've had a taste of what you love. Once you know that feeling of joy that runs through you when something good happens. It just means you want more of it. Anything equal to or less then what you have isn't good enough for you, you must have more or it isn't worth your time.
So why do I stick by your side so closely when all I get is neglect? When I'm with you sometimes, when it's just me and you, you act as though you might care for me, I suppose it may be true, maybe you do. But it's always asthough you have soemthing better on your mind when I'm there. "We need to do this, we need to do that again. I'm bored when I'm not on something or doing something I'm not supposed to do. I don't want to relax, it's not worth it."
You worry me sometimes, but... I could never stop you from doing these things. I could never do that if it meant I couldn't see you smile anymore, even if it's only rarely.
Why must it be I can't leave you or try to save you from yourself? Is it because I love you? No, that's not it, though it is true I love you, only in the most platonic way. When I lay next to you at night, I only want to lay there, nothing more. Is it because I feel I must protect you? Maybe, that could be it. Make sense really.
he first time I saw you, way back then, I was attracted to you in a way I couldn't explain if I tried too. I wanted to be near you and I was, I got what I wanted. When we tried to make it more then just friends. When we made it me and you, it just didn't feel right to me, no matter how much you thought that it did. I couldn't stop the feeling inside I got when I kissed you that I was doing something wrong. So I had to end it, no matter how much it hurt the both of us.
I let you go and you found someone that you wanted to be with and it seemed that you were happy. I left you to yourself with you and her and when i found you again you weren't the girl I left. When she left and you had no one, you can back to me and I made it better for the time being.
And then you showed me everything she showed you and you know what... I loved it just as you did, it felt so good and I wanted more just like you did, but the difference between me and you is that I could control that feeling.
The feeling of want and need that I got whenever I never had the things I wanted. I've had practice with that, my whole life was filled with things I wanted but couldn't have. You though, weren't as lucky as I was, if luck is what you want to call it. You've gotten everything you've wanted most of you life, so why should it change now?
I feel like I should protect you, from yourself and the things you love so dearly. I was put here to make sure you are safe and don't go too far and do something reckless that will kill you. I'll be your control, if you'll be my crazy. I'll be your carelessness, if you'll be my paranoia. I'll be the Yin to your Yang. If only you would let me.
I want to make you happy, I want to see you smile. But when I see your lips curl up in happiness, I know it just means I have to try harder next time because once you've had a taste of what you love. Once you know that feeling of joy that runs through you when something good happens. It just means you want more of it. Anything equal to or less then what you have isn't good enough for you, you must have more or it isn't worth your time.
So why do I stick by your side so closely when all I get is neglect? When I'm with you sometimes, when it's just me and you, you act as though you might care for me, I suppose it may be true, maybe you do. But it's always asthough you have soemthing better on your mind when I'm there. "We need to do this, we need to do that again. I'm bored when I'm not on something or doing something I'm not supposed to do. I don't want to relax, it's not worth it."
You worry me sometimes, but... I could never stop you from doing these things. I could never do that if it meant I couldn't see you smile anymore, even if it's only rarely.
Why must it be I can't leave you or try to save you from yourself? Is it because I love you? No, that's not it, though it is true I love you, only in the most platonic way. When I lay next to you at night, I only want to lay there, nothing more. Is it because I feel I must protect you? Maybe, that could be it. Make sense really.
he first time I saw you, way back then, I was attracted to you in a way I couldn't explain if I tried too. I wanted to be near you and I was, I got what I wanted. When we tried to make it more then just friends. When we made it me and you, it just didn't feel right to me, no matter how much you thought that it did. I couldn't stop the feeling inside I got when I kissed you that I was doing something wrong. So I had to end it, no matter how much it hurt the both of us.
I let you go and you found someone that you wanted to be with and it seemed that you were happy. I left you to yourself with you and her and when i found you again you weren't the girl I left. When she left and you had no one, you can back to me and I made it better for the time being.
And then you showed me everything she showed you and you know what... I loved it just as you did, it felt so good and I wanted more just like you did, but the difference between me and you is that I could control that feeling.
The feeling of want and need that I got whenever I never had the things I wanted. I've had practice with that, my whole life was filled with things I wanted but couldn't have. You though, weren't as lucky as I was, if luck is what you want to call it. You've gotten everything you've wanted most of you life, so why should it change now?
I feel like I should protect you, from yourself and the things you love so dearly. I was put here to make sure you are safe and don't go too far and do something reckless that will kill you. I'll be your control, if you'll be my crazy. I'll be your carelessness, if you'll be my paranoia. I'll be the Yin to your Yang. If only you would let me.
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